STAR TREK NEXT GENERATION

Star Trek Next Generation

Episode MMMDDDCCCLLLXXXVVVIII: 

“Crisis, what crisis?”

Casting by D.A.V.O.S., Inc.:

·         Kristin Lagarde as Captain Picard

·         Leman Bros as Number One

·         Goldman Sucks as Counselor

·         W. Bank as Commander Data

·          Eric “Prince” Blackwater as Cling-on Security Officer

·         S.P. Moodys  as Chief Engineer

·         Chanel Foxtrot Murdok as Chief Communication Officer

·         Disposable Crew: “Kommy” Berkley, G.I. Joe The Fourth, Bleeding Randolph Hearts, Lumpen Wages, Rednek Übermortgaged, Hobbo                Leech, and Welphare Quinn.

Original soundtrack by “The London City Good Old Chaps Orchestra”. Arrangements on “Wham, bam, Thank you ma´am!” by “The Wallstreet Gang”. Episode title theme by Supertramp.

Acknowledgements:

·         Captain´s log salmon color © courtesy of “The Financial Sometimes”.

·          Food and Catering: Wallfart, Monsaint Transgenic Soy Sauce, Inc., Dope Canned Pineapples, and Bananas United Co.

·         Original idea for Star Trek´s cash currency in “federation credits” by Benji Bernanke.

·         Travelling and accommodations courtesy of Air America.

·         Fine tunning edition by “Cous” Monica Pascual, author of “Could you be not less clear!?” Probably the best damned sentence of the                 entire script.

Script:

Scene One

(Opening: Lagarde´s voice in off, with a mystifying but nonetheless profound tone, against a Federation General Assembly meeting wobbly background):

“States, the final frontier. These are the voyages of starship “Free Enterprise”. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new offshore worlds, to seek out new cheap labor and new planet liberalizations. To boldly go where no Friedman has gone before.”

(Enters soundtrack)

“Taah, ta ta chan, tah tah chaaaaan!, Tah, tah,tah, tah, tah tah tah tah tah tah tah chaaaaan…”(onwards with an ever diminishing volume).

(Captain Lagarde enters on deck)

“Good to see you back, Number One. I thought you had gone belly up!”

(Number One humbly while kinky)

“I did, Captain. If I am back here it is only thanks to the Counselor. I owe him a good night out!”

(Counselor Goldman Sucks smiles forcibly, and Captain Lagarde roars in laughter and continues)

“I am sure you will both enjoy it, you rascals! If there is someone who knows how to party for free, it´s the two of you for sure!!”

(Captain repenting from his outburst of public emotion in front of the Disposable Crew, returns to a much more official tone and continues)

“Well, enough chatting for now! We will have more time later at the Officer´s Club. I want to know all about that wonderful financial trick you two pulled out. Security Officer! Report on current situation”.

(Security Officer, Cling On Blackwater)

“Yes, Captain: the situation at Sirius is still unstable but contained. No risk of spill over. All chemical weapons have been removed to more discreet locations. Our policy for splitting up the Euro Coalition is producing results beyond our most optimistic scenarios: The Merkelian Teutonic Knights, leaders of The Thrifty Northerners, are blaming The Beachbum Southerners for their internal problems, and imposing very favorable measures for the Federation Offshore bank accounts. Southerners are only burning garbage containers every now and then in Athina.”

(Captain Lagarde, buffled)

“Athina?”

(Security Officer, neutrally-mechanically)

“Yessir! A peripheral city with a strong mythical belief in something they called democracy and claim to have invented.”

(Captain Lagarde, sighs in resignation)

“Please continue, Mr. Blackwater”.

(Cling On Blackwater)

“Our allies of the Tycoon Rusky Empire have accepted our suggestion to calm down their rebels and are celebrating the XXL Panem et Circensis Winter Games.

(Cap. Lagarde umphing)

“How much is it going to cost us?”

(Cling on Blackwater)

“No definitive data on that sir. But I know very well that security in those regions is expensive. Remember the Alamo-Iraqia , sir”

(Cap. Lagarde and crew in eloquent silence and withdrawal)

(Cling On  Blackwater after a brief courtesy pause)

“As for the Starship, Sire, everything in order: all disposable crew on board and all Life Support Systems of the “Free Enterprise” outsourced and downsized, therefore secured.”

(Cap. Lagarde)

“Very well Mr. Blackwater. Mr. Data?”

(W. Bank, Mr. Data)

The conditionality you proposed at the last Federation meeting is reaping results, Captain. The space is curving in some sectors as predicted, and demand for our intervention has turned inelastic. The nuclei of The Primary and Secondary Sectors are imploding but we do not foresee any serious danger for our Starfleet.  All planetary governments within 117.2 trillion parsecs from us are now in complete dependency, and we have absolute control over their credit lines, thanks to our Chief Engineer´s schemes.

(S.P. Moodys droolingly smiles, and dragging from an awkward looking cigarette, babbles :)

“Triple A, dude…”

(W. Bank, Data, ignoring S.P.Moodys comment and giving him the looks in unison with Captain Lagarde, continues.)

“Some unorganized radicals of the Saltwater Nebula are speaking of an age of diminishing expectations, dependency, the price of inequality, and the greenhouse effect, but Communications is taking care of that.”

(Chief Communications Officer, Chanel Fox Murdok, purrs)

 (Captain Lagarde in panic for a slight second)

“Have we been detected by the Lower Emission Romulans!!?”

(W. Bank, Data, in a condescending business as usual way)

Of course not, Sir. Our system of buying radioactive waste-dumping quotas in Third World Galaxies makes us practically undetectable. In fact Sir, I think it would be in order to upgrade their ratings as a token of appreciation.

(Cap. Lagarde with a barely disguisable hard on)

“Agreed. Make it so, Mr. Moodys.”

(S.P. Moodys, taken by surprise, drops a small mirror and white dust covers the scene. Nevertheless, he reacts promptly, takes the order and asks)

“Would that be with fries?”

(W. Bank, Mr. Data, britishly ignoring Moodys, continues)

Unemployment is at a sustainable 27% in all of the Winesipping and Bongoplaying Quadrants, but I am afraid that wages are getting a bit sticky downwards and….

(Lagarde, interrupting)

“Sustainable! Sticky downwards! Wages! For Hayek´s sake, Data!! What the hell are you talking about!!? Could you be not less clear!!?”

(W. Bank, Data)

“I am afraid it is not in my nature, sir. My creators, in Chicago, did not think of human feelings and needs when they programmed me. I can only process numbers, rational choices, perfect competitive markets, and long terms. And, if I may say so, sir, sometimes it is….puzzling. For, are not all humans dead in the long term? And if you prick them, do they not bleed?”

(Cap. Lagarde)

“My apologies, Mr. Data. Sometimes I forget you are not human like us, and lack feelings. And by the way, when we finish please see Mr. Chanel Foxy for an urgent reprogramming of your reading syllabus.”

“Number One, you have the deck. Mr Moodys, I want to see you in my quarters on the double.”

(Cap. Lagarde exits, and Mr. Moodys sheepishly follows him)

END of Scene One

Secene Two: “Captain´s cozy quarters”

(Captain´s quarters: Lagarde is sitting comfortably on a Louis XVIII armchair. Chief Engineer S.P. Moodys, is standing uneasy. Both are distractedly looking at a miniature hologram of Margaret Thatcher and Augusto Pinochet having tea in a beautiful yet tidy English garden).

(Cap.)

“Your behavior is unacceptable, Mr. Moodys”

(SP Moodys, boyishly dragging his feet)

“I am so sorry, Master.”

(Cap)

“You know very well that sharing and stockoptioning is a must among our kind. Where did you get that soma, anyway? It smelled wonderfuly!”

(SP Moodys)

It is just a left over from my last mission, Sir. I was sent to Afghan Centaury to rate a Taliban Opium Hedge Fund.

(Cap)

And…?

(SP Moodys)

Good stuff, Sir. BB+

(Cap)

I want to see that little left over rolling at the Officer´s Club tonight, or else, Mr. Moodys. And by the way, your rating better be for real.

(SP Moodys)

Understood, Sir.

(Cap)

Now to business.  

(SP Moodys)

I have good news, Sir. We have located 17 new Off-Galaxy Havens within few parsecs in the last week. My disposable staff is working 24/7 to generate complex direct interfaces from the “Free Enterprise” to all of them at this very moment. In no time we will be able to beam ourselves up and down at pleasure.

 (Cap)

Will the Transporter allow for carrying equity?

(SP Moodys)

Just cash in Federation credits for now, Sir. But we will not be traceable at all.

(Cap. speaking aloud to himself)

“Boy, how I miss Scotty.  Where the hell is he hiding!?

(SP Moodys)

“At the Royal Bank of Hibernia, Sir. He´s got a golden retirement there.”

(Cap.)

“Yes, indeed. Some people know when to beam themselves out just in time….Anyway, keep working Mr. Moodys. Dismissed!”

END of Scene 2

Scene  3: “At the Officer´s Club”

(Captain Lagarde casually approaches the Officer´s Club and is stopped at the lobby by a sizable number of over-smiling emerging would-be club members, and several sponsors of the Free Enterprise.  Lagarde regally waves them all away except for the Representative of the Sino Planetary System, to whom he bows respectfully in a just- in-case manner, while he is protectively shown into the Club by Cling On Blackwater.)

“Thank you Mr. Blackwater. I was not sure how long my panties would hold out back there.”

(Cing On Blackwater)

“No need to mention it, Sir. It is my dutiful pleasure.”

 (Cap. Lagarde superficially checks his panties and visually probes around the Club. W. Bank, Data, is miming to the bartender the Laffer Curve. Communications Officer, Mr. Foxtrot Murdok, is hitting on Oh Veryyoung-Whatdoyouneed-at-this-Time , from Planet Haightashbury;  Chief Engineer, SP Moodys, is following orders and passing Afghan Centaury left over shares, and Security Officer, Cling On Blackwater, once relieved from body guarding is showing his weapon around. Counselor Goldman Sucks and Leman Bros, Number One, are stupidly  looking at each other in a booth. Cap. Lagarde approaches them.)

“Howdy chaps! What are you two up to!?  And, what´s in the bottle!?

(Counselor, Goldman Sucks)

“Sub-primes Derivates Blended , Sir. It is only found in the Ethereal Tender Markets of the Sweetwater Constellation!”

(Cap. Lagarde with a goodfellas tone)

“Is it legal, you little shits?”

(Number One, Leman Bros, faking seriousness)

“Of course, Sir. And if not, we have enough might to make it so, Sir.  Ha, ha, ha!!! Have a sip, Sir, but be careful! It is highly addictive!  One hundred percent proof yieldings! And as they say….once you go black you never go back!!

(Facial shot of nearby Security Officer Blackwater nodding approvingly )

(Cap. Lagarde, gulps his first glass straight)

“Whow! What is it made of?”

(Counselor,Goldman Sucks)

No one really knows, Sir. But one thing is certain:  It is highly toxic!!

(All 3 together manly roar in laughter)

Ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!

(Cap. Lagarde)

“Give me another shot, Number One! Let´s drink Derivates like there´s no tomorrow!!

(Leman Bros, Number One)

“Cheers Captain! And do not worry. There´s much more where that came from!”

(Camera zooms away from the troika and scene fades into black)

END of Scene 3

Scene 4: “At the Disposable Crew dorms”

(The laughters and music of the Officer´s Club are clearly audible in the background. Crew members are sitting around in their bunks. They look tired and resigned.)

(Rednek Übermortgaged, casually)

“It seems it´s going to be another long and sleepless night for us. Who is on shift at the Club?”

(G.I. Joe IV, promptly)

“Kommy Berkley is bartending, Hobbo Leech is waiting the booths, and Welphare Quinn is singing the blues. Ah! Bleeding Randolph Hearts is taking care of the toilets. “

(Rednek Übermortgaged, looking around and searching)

“Where´s Lumpen?”

(GI Joe IV, flatly)

“He is in zero gravity isolation again.”

(Rednek Übermortgaged in disgust)

“What for this time?”

(GI Joe IV)

“He complained about the reduction in toilet paper rights and the increase to 20 working hours per day. He also claimed that you and your family were unfairly evicted from your home planet in the Arkansian Region”

(Rednek Übermortgaged, sadly)

“I see….Damned fool! I warned him not to say anything. Our home planet is not ours anymore. It was seized by the Wall Street Privateer´s Brotherhood four years ago, and now we owe them homage for at least 10 light years.  That´s why Lumpen and I are here. Both Number One and the Counselor are prominent members of the Brotherhood.”

(GI Joe IV in surprise)

Wow! No wonder he got the heat!

(Rednek Übermortgaged, after a reflective pause)

What about you, man? What´s your story?

(GI Joe IV, ironically)

Oh! I was drafted like my father, and my father´s father and his father´s father were before me.  We come from the Gallipolis Space Sector and have a great tradition of being slaughtered for grandiose cosmic causes. At least one member of my family has died in each one of the Six Star Wars Episodes.”

(Writer´s note: Disposable crew member Rednek Übermortgaged does not get GI Joe´s irony, so must choose carefully the correct tone for his next line)

“I see…er…That is something to be proud of…Wow! Mmm…Are you telling me that your family fought side by side with Luke Skywalker!?”

(GI Joe smiles, and without a word walks to his trunk, where he searches for a minute, and finally returns proudly with a picture).

“The one in the corner wearing the full body white plastic armor and helmet is my Great-grandfather.”

(Rednek Übermortgaged, grabs respectfully the picture, where he sees Luke Skywalker, Princess Leah, and Han Solo striking a pose.  In the background, he sees a soldier in shiny white plastic armor passing by.)

“Yes indeed. This is what makes all our suffering worth while. Keep it safe, son.”

(Rednek Übermorgaged hands back the picture to GI Joe IV. Camera goes to a wide shot of both. The Officer´s Club´s rowdiness increases in the background and the camera walks into the Club, as we transition to Scene 5).

END of Scene 4

Scene 5: “Officer´s Club, 03:45 a.m. Captain´s log.”

(Camera centers on the troika. Captain Lagarde, Number One, and the Counselor are speaking loudly, laughing, and drinking all at the same time. Blackwater has crashed down on a puff by the booth and is looking down sadly at his weapon. W. Bank, Mr. Data, is dangling around the booth miming a soft landing on the floor. The booth round table is packed with Sub-prime Derivates Blended empty bottles. Waiter Hobbo Leech approaches the table for last call.)

(Waiter Hobbo Leech forcibly smiling)

It´s last call gents! Care for another ice bucket, you big spenders?

(Cap. Lagarde, leaning strangely on his chair)

“What´s your name, boy? And rank for that matter…

(Hobbo Leech, pissed off but assuming the position)

“Hobbo Leech, Sir! First Wandering Homeless Officer, at your service, Sir!”

(Cap. Lagarde looking at the Counselor and Number One, and purposely ignoring Hobbo)

“Well Hobbouh, you have two options: number one, bringing me more ice; number two…bringing me ice. We still have plenty of this Derivates to drink! Any questions?”

(Number one, Leman Bros, shakily stands up to get some ice)

(Cap. Lagarde)

“I was not referring to you, you idiot!”

(Hobbo Leech does not answer. Turns around, flips the bird, and walks into the sunset. Welphare Quinn is singing another blues without orchestra, Kommy Berkley is clearing the bar, and Bleeding Randolph Hearts is repositioning toilet paper.  A “To be cotinued” legend appears over the scene, which turns into a background of galaxies. Enter music and credits).

End of Episode MMMDDDCCCLLLXXXVVVIII